In the Darkness There is GREATNESS

Hi Pretty Mamas,

I know some of you have realized that I haven’t been posting anything this week and probably wandering why.  well, there has been a major problem arise in my life- in my marriage, financially and in myself. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on my situation for those of you out there that may be experience things happening in the same problem areas. I am not one to talk about my problems much openly but there was this light bulb that went off in me when I realized today what makes life most important.

Before I continue on what that is, I want to say that prior today inside myself that I only expressed to myself privately was a feeling of not being able to breath and asking the Lord why, why me and why now. I could feel the Lord respond to me and I would argue back in my head well if this is how it is, is there a Lord?  Only to quickly shut that down because I know there is and I am being the typical whiny daughter who only see one little glimpse of the picture when God the father sees it all. I would say well I am trying my best to do the best thing in life and yet still I get handed something like this!  So as you can see I had a major battle going on inside myself and I took time to set that aside and pray, read the bible and attend my amazing pastor’s sermons on Sunday. (I am not perfect by far and I don’t always read the bible or go to church. In fact, I have just recently really taken the interest in reading the bible on my own) Which was amazing because I am starting to read the book of Matthew which I guess couldn’t be better timing!! Here is what I have learned in my travels through this mess-so far anyways.

In a marriage, you are combined as one body so even though you are trying your best and staying out of trouble your husband may be doing the opposite.  So in a sense whatever affects your husband will affect you too. In my case, my husband was in need of taking care of business in his life that he put off and that hugely impacted my life when God decided now is the time for him and dropped a big bomb. Oh man! I am not pretty at all when I am angry and my mouth gets very ugly. I mean how can I respect my husband (like the bible says to do) when he doesn’t show respect in his own life. My husband begged and apologized which was something that I have heard before and just would say heard that, anything else you got? <– mean right?  I know but I was so in the moment which tends to work best in saying angry words for me. I realized that I need to really figure out if I am leaving or staying. I knew deep deep down <– hehe not really that deep but it feels like something I had to pull out of me to admit to it.  Well anyways, that I do want to make this work because whew I have been there with men and to be honest this man did wrong but I have been through worst.  Although, any women who has been through a lot with men before knows the first thing they want to do when the new man is starting that same distrustful pattern is to take everything that man owns and dump it outside with him too and move on. We definitely don’t hesitate that thought, am I right ladies??  I mean we dump their stuff because we know this time we are the one keeping the house. Look I am getting myself started… my point is this man is the father to my children, he supports us financially and we have had good years too.

(If in this list you have to add the cons being abusive please leave the house and do not go back! They need help and no matter how much they beg that problem of being abusive is NOT something that can be repaired in a quick amount of time frame.  You need to stay away and make goals for him to reach in a long amount of time before you go even decide to go back! REPEAT… BEING ABUSIVE CAN NOT BE REPAIRED IN A SHORT TIME FRAME! Please watch this story about a man on death row who murdered his wife and child because of his abusive problem. Learning about what love was, was too late for him and it took him time and DISTANCE to realize what it was. You can love them but you can not change them and them changing themselves takes time. Even though that man was on death row and found love who knows if he actually had his new wife living with him daily if he could be any different. Most importantly it is not you, you are beautiful, precious, smart and someone who is worthy of every opportunity life has to offer. You didn’t know that it could get that bad and you did love him all you could. I guarantee you that it is not you and you will find happiness.  Read on because I have good insight on what happiness you possible could be looking at right now.)

**Back to deciding to work on this marriage** It has been hard and I am not anywhere close to being able to report any change. However, I am praying daily for it. I am praying for his safety and well being too. So far.. its one huge progress bar with only 5% done on it.  I believe in that movie “War Room” though because every since I started my journal and writing prays for him and our marriage a little tiny tiny speck of light has peeped through. I just feel it like a weight has gotten a little lighter. Opposite of the movie, I don’t have room in my house for a war room so I sit in my favorite chair with a notebook. I guess my notebook at the moment is my war room.

Financially— whew I don’t have much to say but whew. Financially just isn’t good at all. So my mind continues to take me to Matthew 7:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  AND Matthew 7:27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  Well in fact all of Matthew 7 is good but these were two of my favorite verses. If we trust God then we give up every worry thought and leave it to him because he knows the bigger picture and we only have a glimpse. Although, I have let God do my worrying I have not given up on searching for ways and also making sure that people who I owe debt to knows my situation too. To me giving your worries to the Lord doesn’t mean sit back on the couch and wait, it means go try, try, try until that door the Lord is waiting for you to open is opened.  I still very much have work to do but I have freedom from the stress of worrying where and when and how it will happen.  LOL I know the Lord knows how bad I want financial stability again because it is written in my prayer journal every night, not one night skipped LOL! (Watch this video on how life can be worse but still very much unfinished)

Myself— as you know from reading above I been struggling huge by beating myself up, by just feeling completely sick and the feeling of not being able to breath. It went on like this until I started to think of things that I am thankful for and thank the Lord in my prayer journal for them. I am just so thankful!! I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, I am thankful for family, for food in our tummies and clothes on our backs, and weirdly enough for toys, books and education for my children. I have so little and I owe so much but I have everything and I am not suffering and you know it gets so much better!! My children don’t even notice anything different.  That is amazing to me because giving my children the best I know how is very important! I am so thankful for that! (Being angry is something I am working on as well, but here is a good video on how leaving anger aside can give your life a better outcome)

So how in the Darkness There is GREATNESS—>>> today my children, my family (nana, papa, uncles and aunties) and me were all sitting around and when I stepped away I took a moment to listen and their was laughter, playing and love. I may have nothing and be having the worst month possible but I have laughter and I get to play with my children and we have love in our family. That is GREATNESS!! Thank you LORD!

I thank YOU for reading all of this and I hope it gave someone out there feeling hopeless more hope.  If you found this interesting, liked reading it, have something to say, or need someone to talk to please leave a comment below. Thank you!


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